I would hazard a guess that most people with children who look at this couple might experience (as I did ever so briefly) a twinge of jealousy at the depiction of limitless free time and lounging about on sandy beaches. If we have learned nothing from Pinterest, though, it's that a photograph captured in a fleeting moment in time does not reflect our reality in this fallen world accurately. In real life, the sand might have glass, one or both of them may have heartburn or indigestion, the sand might be so hot that their backs get burnt and itchy. Get the picture? Nothing is ideal as it is in what the camera takes one second to capture. Life is messy. We all have crosses and hardships, no one is exempt. Not those with children, not the childless.
This also points to the larger desire we have as people to stereotype and generalize. We might know individual people who do not have children but would you walk up to them and say to their face "You know, you're incredibly selfish for not having children." Of course not! I, for one, make it a policy to not inquire after the relationship status, child bearing or lack thereof of ANY of my friends. It is truly none of my business. Now, if any of them bring up the topic with me, I am happy to discuss my own family or help a friend talk out their worries, concerns or feelings. But as to blunt, direct questions about when or if someone is starting a family or adding to it is really and truly a topic that I avoid. I believe that I will keep more friends because of this policy. I don't ask people (friends or strangers) if they are done having children, if they will have them....etc etc etc.....
All of that being said...our culture has extremely bipolar ideas about children.
They are both angels and monsters, blessings and inconveniences, a good to be obtained at any cost and a plague to be avoided at all costs.
Parents are quick to tell you how important their children are to them (and rightly so!) but they should also be honest enough to admit that not every moment with children is fun and blissful. To admit this is not to admit that children aren't blessings, it's just to admit that parenting is hard - no matter how blessed you are. But parents also can encourage the mania of those who experience infertility to the point where a child is the end all and be all. Those who overcome infertility or adopt children may find it hard to articulate or express their struggles once they have children because they are supposed to be constantly amazed and appreciative of the gift of their child - no matter how hard of a day they are having. I am very grateful to have my youngest child be healthy after a rough start with medical issues as a newborn. This doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated with him some days because he's being a stinker.
So...on one end of the spectrum - we have a culture that centers around the practical worship of parenthood and child rearing. We should be able to agree that this is disordered. Children are a blessing but they are not that which will ultimately fulfill us. Only God can do that.
The thinking that allows for the cult worship of parenthood has led to frozen embryos, selective reductions, thousands and thousands of dollars spent to achieve pregnancy. Having not sought medical intervention for the purposes of fertility, I can't imagine what these women go through and they have my prayers. It is unfortunate that some fall into the trap of seeing children as the fulfillment of all things. This way of thinking also leads to viewpoints like this one - the husband and wife who implanted multiple embryos to give their child a sibling but wound up expecting twins. Did you hear? They are sort of blessed, but their life is O-V-E-R because a family of five is way too large.
Children are blessings so long as they come when we want them and how we want them.
They are at times practically like commodities...."well Doctor, I only ordered one child - you're going to have to send these other ones back."
The other end of the spectrum - the self-termed "child-free" see parenthood as the equivalent of insanity. As parents get defensive about their child-bearing choices, those who choose not to have children become equally defensive about their choice to not have them. The fact that TIME was willing to dedicate an entire issue to those who have made that choice is indicative of this.
Anymore I see articles crop up every day about restaurants banning children, child-free flights, discussion about how children today are so poorly behaved.
How can our society simultaneously have such a reverence for and complete disdain for children? I believe it is because it isn't really about the children for many adults. It is about the fulfillment of their own desires and wishes. The children are not necessarily valued because of the fact that they are a unique, unrepeatable person desired by God but because they are a commodity to be obtained or not desired just like a handbag or iPhone.
And then once you have the children - the accessory - you become subjected to all the judgement and criticism that accompanies having them. Do you have enough? Too many? Are you Mom enough? Stay at home/Working Mom? Leaning in/Leaning out??
No wonder some look at that insanity and say "Uh uh, not for me."
Raising children without seeing them as desired by God for their own sakes is probably the definition of insanity. If there isn't some bigger reason for having kids, why bother? It is an awful lot of work just to "fit in" or have that "accessory" in your life.
I love my children - but they are not the ultimate cause of my fulfillment. They are not the end all and be all of my existence. They are a blessing, but not something that I must obtain at any cost.
Some people may not be called to have children.....but those people are also not called to marriage.
Our mixed-up ideas about children and our mixed up ideas about marriage are entwined and interrelated but that is probably a whole separate blog post.
So am I jealous of the "child-free"? No, not really, except maybe for a minute (or hour) on the bad days. But as I wrote in a previous post, the grass is brown no matter which side of the fence you're on. I'm not writing this to defend my choice to have children. The choice is bigger than me anyway. I'm just pointing out that both sides of the debate, as presented, have things a bit backwards.
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