Our Society's Backwards, Mixed-up and Crazy Ideas about Children

Many, many blog posts lately have been dedicated to the recent Time magazine issue about being what is termed "Child-free." This has raised a lot of ire in both parenting and non-parenting circles due to the judgment, perceived judgment, affirmation or lack of affirmation that all parties are assuming that the "opposite" side has of them. This seems to be more a reflection of Time's desire to move issues and create controversy - more stirring the pot by putting up divisions where there really honestly might not be any.

I would hazard a guess that most people with children who look at this couple might experience (as I did ever so briefly) a twinge of jealousy at the depiction of limitless free time and lounging about on sandy beaches. If we have learned nothing from Pinterest, though, it's that a photograph captured in a fleeting moment in time does not reflect our reality in this fallen world accurately. In real life, the sand might have glass, one or both of them may have heartburn or indigestion, the sand might be so hot that their backs get burnt and itchy. Get the picture? Nothing is ideal as it is in what the camera takes one second to capture. Life is messy. We all have crosses and hardships, no one is exempt. Not those with children, not the childless.

This also points to the larger desire we have as people to stereotype and generalize. We might know individual people who do not have children but would you walk up to them and say to their face "You know, you're incredibly selfish for not having children." Of course not! I, for one, make it a policy to not inquire after the relationship status, child bearing or lack thereof of ANY of my friends. It is truly none of my business. Now, if any of them bring up the topic with me, I am happy to discuss my own family or help a friend talk out their worries, concerns or feelings. But as to blunt, direct questions about when or if someone is starting a family or adding to it is really and truly a topic that I avoid. I believe that I will keep more friends because of this policy. I don't ask people (friends or strangers) if they are done having children, if they will have them....etc etc etc.....

All of that being said...our culture has extremely bipolar ideas about children.

They are both angels and monsters, blessings and inconveniences, a good to be obtained at any cost and a plague to be avoided at all costs.

Parents are quick to tell you how important their children are to them (and rightly so!) but they should also be honest enough to admit that not every moment with children is fun and blissful. To admit this is not to admit that children aren't blessings, it's just to admit that parenting is hard - no matter how blessed you are. But parents also can encourage the mania of those who experience infertility to the point where a child is the end all and be all. Those who overcome infertility or adopt children may find it hard to articulate or express their struggles once they have children because they are supposed to be constantly amazed and appreciative of the gift of their child - no matter how hard of a day they are having. I am very grateful to have my youngest child be healthy after a rough start with medical issues as a newborn. This doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated with him some days because he's being a stinker.

So...on one end of the spectrum - we have a culture that centers around the practical worship of parenthood and child rearing. We should be able to agree that this is disordered. Children are a blessing but they are not that which will ultimately fulfill us. Only God can do that.

The thinking that allows for the cult worship of parenthood has led to frozen embryos, selective reductions, thousands and thousands of dollars spent to achieve pregnancy. Having not sought medical intervention for the purposes of fertility, I can't imagine what these women go through and they have my prayers. It is unfortunate that some fall into the trap of seeing children as the fulfillment of all things. This way of thinking also leads to viewpoints like this one - the husband and wife who implanted multiple embryos to give their child a sibling but wound up expecting twins. Did you hear? They are sort of blessed, but their life is O-V-E-R because a family of five is way too large.

Children are blessings so long as they come when we want them and how we want them. 

They are at times practically like commodities...."well Doctor, I only ordered one child - you're going to have to send these other ones back."

The other end of the spectrum - the self-termed "child-free" see parenthood as the equivalent of insanity. As parents get defensive about their child-bearing choices, those who choose not to have children become equally defensive about their choice to not have them. The fact that TIME was willing to dedicate an entire issue to those who have made that choice is indicative of this.

Anymore I see articles crop up every day about restaurants banning children, child-free flights, discussion about how children today are so poorly behaved.

How can our society simultaneously have such a reverence for and complete disdain for children? I believe it is because it isn't really about the children for many adults. It is about the fulfillment of their own desires and wishes. The children are not necessarily valued because of the fact that they are a unique, unrepeatable person desired by God but because they are a commodity to be obtained or not desired just like a handbag or iPhone.

And then once you have the children - the accessory - you become subjected to all the judgement and criticism that accompanies having them. Do you have enough? Too many? Are you Mom enough? Stay at home/Working Mom? Leaning in/Leaning out??

No wonder some look at that insanity and say "Uh uh, not for me."

Raising children without seeing them as desired by God for their own sakes is probably the definition of insanity. If there isn't some bigger reason for having kids, why bother? It is an awful lot of work just to "fit in" or have that "accessory" in your life.

I love my children - but they are not the ultimate cause of my fulfillment.  They are not the end all and be all of my existence. They are a blessing, but not something that I must obtain at any cost.

Some people may not be called to have children.....but those people are also not called to marriage.

Our mixed-up ideas about children and our mixed up ideas about marriage are entwined and interrelated but that is probably a whole separate blog post.

So am I jealous of the "child-free"? No, not really, except maybe for a minute (or hour) on the bad days. But as I wrote in a previous post, the grass is brown no matter which side of the fence you're on. I'm not writing this to defend my choice to have children. The choice is bigger than me anyway. I'm just pointing out that both sides of the debate, as presented, have things a bit backwards.

Summer: The Most Magical Season of All

Ahhhhhhh Summer Time - School's Out - Kids are home - the weather is nice-ish, sometimes, when it's not raining or we're not cowering in the basement because there's a tornado coming and oh my goodness we have to take cover right now!

As of right now we are three weeks into summer break and we have EXACTLY (ok approximately) 67 days left (this includes weekends - which I include because everything is summer now). I will   again state categorically that I love my children very very very very very much and they all have endearing moments in which I remember that they will eventually be sane and reasonable and lovely people to be around on a consistent basis.

This is not that time.

To use an old trope, if I were in charge of the world I would abolish sibling rivalry. This is probably the biggest and most massive issue I have with summer break. So long as the kids are either a) occupied constantly with something interesting (read: impossible) or b) by themselves, then they are fine. If they are forced to be in the same room or the same breathing space for any period of time the result is arguing. ENDLESS ARGUING. They will argue about arguing

I also gather that I am not alone in this struggle and that other households across the country or at least across our town are dealing with similar madness and crazy inducing argumentation.

I literally just had to say "Guys, stop arguing!" as I wrote this line.

My disappointment with reality at this moment is that I always have grand ideals about what summer break will be like - which is always shattered by that pesky situation known as actual life with imperfect people.

I begin my visions of a perfect summer approximately two to three weeks before school lets out. This is when I say to myself - "Ahhh, this year....this year will be different!! There will be limits on media time. There will be specific hours dedicated to reading. There will be carefully planned and organized picnics and field trips and swimming because everything will be in harmony. You will practice your math and phonograms happily and willingly!! We will have chores! Yes, there will be chores!! You will do them happily and with smiling faces!! We will learn interesting things and become better people!"

My idyllic vision really doesn't take long to be shattered. Unsurprisingly.

REALITY:

Day 21: Start day with children on a too loud computer/tv which wakes me up at 7:30 which is my equivalent of sleeping in. Children then spend about half an hour arguing about how they will play their imaginary game together. I have to tell eldest child that there will be no Iron Chef, playing mass (I know this is good but it involves avoiding playing with his sister), or competitions (their games always wind up being some kind of competition in which he decides who wins - aggravating his sister to no end). Eldest helps little brother play XBox games while sister complains that eldest is not playing with her. Sister asks the other two if they will watch the Madeline DVD from the library - result tv quiets the beastly arguing for the duration of Madeline. Madeline to the rescue!!

Also, baby is still sleeping because he was inexplicably awake until 11:30 last night - which is utterly indicative of how sleep for everyone has been thrown off since break started.

This probably means that he will have a strange sleep schedule today too - huzzah!!

So that's a snapshot - imperfection.
Oh we've managed to sneak in academics here and there and there's been some T-ball and summer reading and walks to the library. Far from perfect, but embracing the imperfection and doing the best with what we've got is kinda the moral to the story eh?

So your takeaway from reading about my struggles today is that if you have a houseful of arguing kids and your summer is not the perfect idyllic vision that you might have had in your head - it's ok. Mine is not either. You are not alone! And don't worry there's only 67 days left and then fall and school and all of that will jolt us back into schedules and order and glorious Mondays which come after busy, messy weekends - Mondays where the house is quiet-er and there is a chance to restore order.
I wish you a happy and imperfect summer! Enjoy the argument-free moments and hang on tight, it's going to be a wild ride.

Real Mother's Day - Let's be Honest with Each Other

Disclaimer: Not actually my kid.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. According to the History channel - this holiday was originally created by one Ann Reeves Jarvis "in order to teach women proper child-care techniques and sanitation methods." Sounds like a Hallmark Card to me! Jarvis's daugher, Anna, was actually the one responsible for the propagation of the day but never intended it to become commercialized. She actually fought against it becoming a "Hallmark holiday" and died broke and in a sanitarium. Happy Mother's Day!

Like many "holidays" that card purveyors and retailers like to helpfully "remind" us of on a yearly basis (because what else is going on in May that we would need flowers and cards for - honestly), Mother's Day is one of those days that, for me, never lives up to any kind of expectation that I might have. Usually I keep these feelings and sensibilities under wraps and feel silly that I have some kind of secret entitlement to  special treatment and pampering on a day that is arbitrary at best. I try to tamp down any creeping expectations that suddenly possess me and remind myself that I shouldn't need an isolated day to be "honored" for being a mother.

But let's be honest....being a mom is hard work much of the time and if we're given a reason to hope for some appreciation, then I, for one, welcome the occasion. But real Mother's Day is invariably imperfect. Little people don't realize or care that it is Mother's Day. They will still need diaper changes, they will probably fight/argue/not share with their siblings and even if you remind them that "All Mommy really wants is for one day that you would not scream/fight/argue/mess or ask for milk/juice/liquid one more time" - they will still do and ask for all of those things and you will still probably be the one who will change the diaper, get the juice, and break up the fight. So we need to let go of those (maybe artificially) created expectations that somehow our kids are going to change dramatically for one day and be perfect angels who are perfectly dressed and behaved and will be thoughtful and gracious. They may have moments of those qualities but it will (most likely) not be perfect - like most of life - and it just has to be something we're ok with.

My kids brought me their school-created projects home yesterday and despite the fact that I told them that Mother's Day is Sunday and did they want to wait to give me presents - they insisted that I open them immediately. My daughter insisted that she go so far as to unwrap my present - "because I like to unwrap things, Mommy." Both my husband and I reminded her that it wasn't exactly kosher to unwrap someone else's present, but she proceeded anyway. As expected, the unwrapping produced a crafty picture frame of daughter looking like she's up to something. Eldest son's present involved a drawing on a cd that I can now adhere to my fridge and has a handy clothespin glued onto it for me to "clip" things to. But 3 yo and 13 month old will probably let the day pass unremarked upon unless they are coached by the older ones or the husband to say "Happy Mother's Day" which will mean about as much to them as "Happy Dinosaurs are Landing in a Shiny Silver Spaceship Day!" - he actually might be more impressed/excited by the dinosaurs.

So moms of littles who might be reading this - someday they will get bigger - they will make cute and artsy/crafty picture frames or cds that you can stick on your fridge. They will grow into some kind of understanding that they appreciate mom. They may still unwrap your present for you - but they will have a present. Just also remember that this is not a spontaneous outpouring of appreciation but a school-generated project - most often by teachers who are mothers and understand that it's nice for our kids to do something for us and gosh we need something to do at school it's spring and these kids are bouncing off the desks - arts and crafts to the rescue!! (I appreciate those teachers for my perfunctory gifts no matter what the motivation).

So happy real Mother's Day! I wish you a day of instruction in child-rearing and sanitation - which actually is not a bad actualization of the day. Odds are you will spend the day instructing your children, learning additional child-rearing skills and sanitizing something.

Mother's Day for most of us is probably going to look and feel much less like this picture:

And a whole lot more like this one. :)
















So hooray for Mother's Day! Discard your visualizations of brunch, breakfast in bed and pampering that should in reality be able to happen on any old day and embrace the reality that it's probably going to be a pretty ordinary Sunday - except your husband may convince your children to be *slightly* more charming and well-behaved. Primarily I'm going to allow myself to ignore the dishes and laundry for a day.

My Desires for you Oh my Child....Dear Child...

My desires for you oh my child....dear child....

are not so many that I thinketh them unreasonable and yet the reasonableness of these desires is called into question on a daily...no, nary, thrice daily basis....verily unto the nth time my desires are cast unto the ground and scattered like so much dirty laundry upon your floor.

I desire that you should say unto me "Mother! Oh dearest mother! I have a plentiful amount of clothing to wear in my drawer and the sight of said clothing pleases me so. It is apparent how much labor you have put into the cleaning, sorting and folding of mine clothing and so I shall show it the greatest respect and not crumple it up and cast it upon the floor to be trampled by myself and  my siblings. I would not dream, oh Mother, to throw these beautiful and clean garments upon the floor in order to play with my Barbies or trucks or superheroes (as may be) in the empty space left therein. For if I were to do that, oh dearest Mother, I know that the clean and unclean clothing will mix and you would be unable to discern the clean clothes from the dirty ones and the clean would be needlessly washed with the dirty."

It is my desire that you should say these things, and yet you do not say them, nor even imply them.

I desire that  you should say unto me "Mother! Oh dearest mother! I am overabundently happy with my playthings and with the company of mine siblings! My playthings give me constant delight and occupation; additionally I desire no more playthings such that even should a shiny new catalog arrive in the mail, or should I happen to catch you browsing items on the internet, or even should I accompany you on a trip to Walmart - the land of many new and shiny things - a whimper of request or desire shall not pass mine lips as I am not in need of additional plastic molded into various incarnations of characters that I have viewed upon the television. And of mine siblings, they are never troubling to me and we are only of constant accord and harmony in all things and at all times. The quiet and tranquility and harmony that we create as a group of children is the envy of every respectable monastic establishment the world over."

It is my desire that you should say these things, and yet, again, you do not say them, nor even imply them.

I desire that you should say to me "Mother! Oh dearest mother! The food and drink that you have given me unto this day are nourishing and sufficient! Your skill and care in the preparation of my excellent repast have been duly noted and appreciated by me and mine siblings. I would not dare suggest that you prepare additional food more to my liking because nothing could be more tasty and satisfying that what you have prepared this evening. I shall clean my plate with alacrity, but not too much haste that I shall make my stomach have pains. I shall take my plate to the sink, wash it, put it away and express my sincere thanks to you for the delightful meal I have received."

Alas, it is my desire that you should say these things...but you do not say them, nor even imply them.

I have these desires, oh my children, that you and I may live in peace together and that I shall not be able to count into double digits the number of gray hairs now gracing mine head. Assuredly you have blessed me with these hairs, lacking in pigmentation as they are, and my desires are as fruitless as the refrigerator after you have come home from school and ransacked it, as is your way.

(inspired in part by the classic article that never ceases to amuse me). Have a blessed day and may your children express your deepest desires in equally eloquent language.